Like the “Lock up” stage of building, when the builder allows the homeowners take over the interior design of a home, we as parents must allow our teenagers take over (to some degree) the final stage of their own development.

“A great building will never stand if you neglect the small bricks.”

― Ifeanyi Enoch Onuoha

“But the plans were on display…”

“On display? I eventually had to go down to the cellar to find them.”

“That’s the display department.”

“With a flashlight.”

“Ah, well, the lights had probably gone.”

“So had the stairs.”

“But look, you found the notice, didn’t you?”

“Yes,” said Arthur, “yes I did. It was on display in the bottom of a locked filing cabinet stuck in a disused lavatory with a sign on the door saying ‘Beware of the Leopard.”

― Douglas Adams, The Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy

My husband is a builder, and I sometimes detect a common thread winding its way through the experience of  parenting and the process of house construction. First there is an empty lot, a plot of land chosen for its location or, more commonly its price. A hole is dug and a firm foundation is laid on hard pan, ie solid ground. There is no stretch of the allegory here….we make a decision to have a child when we have a firm foundation: adequate finances, at least for the beginning and a solid marriage. Remember, this is an allegory! Next, the building is framed and day by day the house changes radically as walls, window frames, and doors are built and then an entire second floor is added, and the roof. Then the rough in plumbing, electrical, and heating is added. All of these are necessary components of a home, or to stretch the allegory, a body. We try to ensure our children are fed well, get sleep and exercise, education and the opportunity to thrive, and as a result they grow into full sized, healthy bodies.

Then, as in construction, we reach the LOCK UP stage! This is my husband’s favorite stage of construction,; he can see the three-dimensional expression of his vision, the majority of the job is out of the elements, and the site can be protected with an alarm. The house can be locked up, the windows and doors are in place and the house can be heated in order to start the drywall process.

Adolescents Have Definite Opinions

“Cheops’ Law: Nothing ever gets built on schedule or within budget.”

― Robert A. Heinlein, Time Enough for Love

“I’m building a building from scratch, and I’m making it out of a giant itch.”

― Jarod Kintz, 99 Cents For Some Nonsense

For me, “Lock up!” signifies  the beginning of adolescence. This is the point at which we enjoy our children because their demands on us have minimized, they are moderately independent, and are great companions. “Aha!, we think, “We have arrived! Look at our great kids…didn’t we do a good job!” But it is usually at this stage that things start to go sideways!

In construction, this is the point at which the homeowners come into the picture. They have been involved before but the builder has had the control because he has the expertise. However now the homeowners can exercise their personal taste. In the best case scenario the homeowners and the builder have a strong trust relationship; the homeowners solicit his opinion, use his suggestions to find a trusted painter or appliance provider and have faith in his judgement. In the worst case scenario the homeowner takes the keys to the house and RUNS with them, grabbing a hammer on the way!! They buy their appliances from a garage sale, the painter is cousin John from Spuzzum and they are going to HELP him, and they LOVE the colour puce.

The same thing happens with our teens- they hit “lock up” and all bets are off!  Our kids begin to have more definite opinions about their lives. They want to drop soccer, learn the drums, change friends, cut their hair, dye their hair, REMOVE their hair! Then, like the homeowners, they start to make choices about how their world will look. In the best of cases, we like and approve of their decisions. My husband is happy to see the lighting fixtures, the hardwood flooring, carpets and paint colours that the homeowners are choosing. The house looks good and is shaping up well. Likewise, our kids express their personal vision in healthy ways of which we approve; they join a debating team, volunteer at the local soup kitchen,connect with a loving and supportive group of friends who get together to do homework on a Friday night! (Yeah, O.K., I exaggerate, but it would be nice!!)

Consequences

“If a building were shaped like a body, I’d imagine you’d exit out the rear.”

― Jarod Kintz, This is the best book I’ve ever written, and it still sucks

Conversely,  the homeowner’s  poor decisions reflect badly on the house and cause problems: cheap appliances which leak or do not have CSA approval, or cheap paint which bleeds through. Like our teens, they are not interested in the builder’s opinion, and then he has to cope with the consequences: water leaking, poor fit, extra call backs. As parents my husband and I deal with our children’s poor choices. We pay for damages, we pick them up when they miss the bus because they did not check the schedule, we drive them to the doctor for antibiotics because they got Karen to pierce their nose with a hot paper clip, we hug them and rub their backs when they tell you about the test they forgot because they did not write it down in the day planner you gave them, etc, etc., etc., The adventures of the adolescents are only limited by their imaginations!

Whether we are acting as  a parent or a builder, we need to respond by being POSITIVE, as difficult as this may be. We need to look past the action and instead look to the reason behind the action, and gently guide, or direct back to the safest place. As a contractor, my husband needs to respect the wishes of the homeowners, but if they are making a choice which could end up dangerous or expensive, he has to tell them the consequences of their choice. As parents, we need to do the same. We need to share the consequences of our children’s actions with them and then let them sit with it for a while.

If my husband’s owners choose to ignore his advice, he has to ask where the trust broke down, and deal with the answer, and then take steps to separate himself from their choices for legal reasons. If our children choose to ignore our advice, we, too, have to ask where the trust broke down ( a topic for another day) but we try to NEVER separate ourselves from them. As long as they are teenagers, they are our responsibility.

Your Teenager’s Safety Net

“Everyone needs a house to live in, but a supportive family is what builds a home.”

― Anthony Liccione

We could describe ourselves as  our children’s “brakes” and their “safety nets”. Depending upon their choices, we stop them, or catch them when they fall. My husband and I ask ourselves, “Is this choice dangerous, or illegal?” If it is not we catch them when they fall, or we enjoy it when they succeed and prove us wrong! If the choice is dangerous, we stop them. Period. Sometimes it is not obvious, then we need to say a clear “Maybe, let me think about it”. Then we pray, co-parent, research, get more information and THEN decide. If they act without consulting us (which happens more often than not in the building industry) we deal with the fallout and ALLOW them to experience the consequences, because after all, life is the best teacher!

Beginning of the End

“The fairies, as their custom, clapped their hands with delight over their cleverness, and they were so madly in love with the little house that they could not bear to think they had finished it.”

― J.M. Barrie, Peter Pan in Kensington Gardens

Lock up stage is the beginning of a new phase, it is the beginning of the final phase, and it can be the toughest phase of parenting. As in building, “lock up” in adolescence can be the phase where beautiful things unfold and take shape. With our children, we try to be positive and pour love into them. Try to expect the best, and hopefully our “designer” offspring will turn out fine.  Eventually, they too will receive their own  “occupancy permit”!!