Our children are (supposedly) capable of adult behaviour as young as age 12 ( I was told  this by a Child Psychiatrist), and I know this can be hard to believe! However, here IS a caveat; adolescents are capable of adult behaviour, but they do not have adult wisdom. Our wisdom comes from a lifetime of making mistakes.Some adults learn from the mistakes of others, but most of us like to make our own. It can be a painful process, literally.  Unfortunately some of our children also want to learn the hard way. My son never, ever took my word and so it is only through the grace of God he still has all his fingers, toes, functional eyes, and marginally good hearing! Fortunately though, after a few years and coinciding with the end of adolescence, our teens will learn to accept others people’s wisdom at face value. Like adults, some will trust no one else’s experience, others will take advice too easily: variety is part of the human condition, BUT  we need give our teens the space to figure out where they are in the mix.

“Experience: that most brutal of teachers. But you learn, my God, do you learn!”

C.S. Lewis

Which brings me to the point of this commentary: I believe that if you have a child who will not accept your advice, then LIFE is the best teacher. Just as we adults developed wisdom through our life decisions so also we need to try to let our children experience the consequences of the choices they make

  Be a Safety Net

But here is an important disclaimer:  Don’t let your children get hurt! Don’t let them explore anything that can compromise their well-being.This goes without saying, of course!! Think of yourself as a safety net. Have a strong presence for safety issues, but for everything else, catch them in your net if/when they start to fall!

What does this look like? Mostly it is letting the logical related consequences of their actions take effect. This works well for the small things: I ask my teen “Is it going to rain?” and perhaps suggest taking a coat, or not, it depends upon how well he is taking advice that day. But, when the answer is, “I am fine, I don’t need a coat.” , then I need to say, “Okay”, and leave it at that. I do not pick him up when it is pouring rain and I know he will be cold and miserable, and I  definitely never say “I told you it would rain”. When my sopping wet baby comes in the door what I can say is:     “Honey, you look cold and wet! Shall I make you some hot chocolate?”

Selective Rescue

In her book “Kids are Worth It”, Barbara Coloroso advocates being a “backbone parent”. Parents should not be an inflexible brick wall, nor are they a marshmallow. They must be strong and supportive, but flexible. This works well when we are letting life lessons sink in: sometimes we do rescue our child, but it depends upon the circumstances. For example, if your daughter forgets to take her lunch to school, but she started her (fourth) period that morning, if it works for your schedule, drive it up to her. We all have bad days and can do with a little rescuing now and then, but we should try to not make a habit of it.

There is only one thing more painful than learning from experience and that is not learning from experience.        

Archibald MacLeish
Responsibility

  Everywhere I encounter parents who love their children dearly, (of course)  and who DO make a habit of rescuing their teens; in fact they actually think for their teens. Unfortunately it is a nasty paradox:  we must raise our children to be wonderful adults whom we love as companions and yet give them skills so that they are capable of leaving us. At some point it is necessary to hand the responsibility for themselves over to your teens.That point depends upon your life circumstances and your child’s maturity level. But as a rough goal, consider that  just about every 15 year old could have ownership of their own lives. They could be keeping track of important dates, including homework, sports events, or appointments, and they could be keeping their rooms in such a way as to not create a biohazard, (Yeeeaah, still working on that one!), They could be capable of independent transport, even if it means walking (though they need to be safe), and they need some sort of income, be it babysitting, mowing lawns, or a paper route. However they do not land there overnight, we need to start gently leading them in the direction of  independence when they are young.

Dirty ShirtsI think it took me a long time to come to terms with this necessity for several reasons:

1) I like control: my children are mine, in my life and I like it my way because my way is better. Well, isn’t it? I like to control my time. I don’t like nasty surprises. I do not want my life disrupted by having to deal with the fallout of a poor choice. But then, such is parenting.

2) Adolescence crept up on me: I still miss my little ones; the hugs and cuddles at night, watching movies, reading books.(Sigh)  I was not ready for all that to be over. It took me a while to accept that my little boy was no longer interested in hanging out with Mom! He still comes to me for hugs “hello” and “goodbye”, still wants my opinion, still seeks me out for comfort, but I am no longer the centre of his world. That is a GOOD thing, right?

3) I  did not want my children’s “mistakes” to reflect on me. If my son wanted to go out with a dirty shirt then EVERYONE would think I was a bad Mom!! Same with wearing torn clothing, or piercing, or whatever my teens might explore to express identity. I assumed my offspring were a representation of my family, and that folks would judge us based upon our teens. Some people do, BUT my child should not have to suffer for their narrow mindedness. OBVIOUSLY they do not have teens and if they do, their teens are not “NORMAL”!!!

(I did toy with the idea of creating a t-shirt which read “My Mom is not responsible for how I look!” in bold writing across the front!)

4) Finally, I just did not believe it would work, but it does!! My son’s friends make fun of each other for any reason, including a dirty shirt! When my son forgets to meet with a teacher, he gets in trouble. When my daughter does not hang up her clothes they WILL be wrinkled next day. I have to let my children own the consequences of their choices and ignore the niggle of my own sense of guilt. I need to stop protecting my children, because soon they will be grown, and gone.

“There are two kinds of people: those who say to God, “Thy will be done,” and those to whom God says, “All right then, have it your way.”

C.S.Lewis

Pleasant Surprises

Fortunately, success breeds success. The more I let go, the more life teaches and the better my kid learn. The bonus is that there is less pressure on me as a parent.  I am not there to argue, nag, coerce, or persuade them to the obvious. Every day I pray that God will spread a “protection” umbrella over them as they navigate the world, and I am there as a safety net to (hopefully) stop any real harm coming to my babies, to catch them just before they fall;  a spatula to help scrape up the mess.  Most of the time I am pleasantly surprised by the positive results of their choices; they are smart kids. But that dirty shirt – nothing to do with me!!!